Rules the Library Should Not Need (but does). Part 1

Policy can never be too clear. Therefore I propose these rules (and clarifications of existing policy) be added to my library's policies immediately:

1. When we say that loud talking, noises, and creating a disturbance are not allowed---we mean YOU too! Turn off your cell phone ringer and for gods sake, if you cell phone is so crappy you need to shout into it to hold a conversation...Take it outside!
   
2. No one may hit anyone in the library, not even if you're related by blood or marriage.
3. Quit hiding the books you're reading behind the rows of Library Science reference books. Not only does it piss me off, it reminds me of the fact that most people do not understand or care about what I do. Plus your reading taste sucks. Try reading about something other than poker, buddy.
4. Please, Please, Please, defecate only in the toilet. And defecation and urination are what toilets are for, so please do not use them for disposing of beer cans, dirty underwear, and the covers you've torn off of books in the attempt to steal them.
5. Speaking of tearing the covers off books....Quit It!.
6. Do not try to hide your drug paraphernalia in my library.
7. Nudity is not permitted anywhere in the library, including the bathrooms. I don't mean the usual, whipping it out to take a piss nudity--that's OK in the bathroom (don't try it anywhere else). I mean quit running around buck naked. People complain, OK?
8. Garbage cans are located throughout the library for the disposal of your trash. Please do not dispose of your trash on the floor or in the potted plants. The cans marked for recycling are for recycling paper. Your soda can, which should not even be on this floor, should not be disposed of in the paper recycling bins. This means Staff too!
9. No pulling trains.
10. Adult terminals (aka porn computers) should have only one person on them at a time. This is a special, private thing....not that I think you'd really have any concept of that, but it really disturbs me to see the entire peanut gallery of stinky men all looking at ...what?...I really don't want to know.
11. Spending the entire evening looking up sexy pictures of fat chicks on Myspace with your friends and laughing is not going to get you anywhere in life. Just thought you ought to know.
12. Keep your shoes on!
13. You! You know who you are--stay out of the Teen Magazines. That's just gross.
14. Library staff are here to shelve books, answer reference (not personal) questions, and pull the fire alarm if someone sets the building on fire. Quit trying to stare up our dresses, grab our asses, smell our hair, or peer at our lovely librarian bosoms. And don't ask us out--we're working! In the list of guys I'd date, "patron at the library" falls somewhere above "guy with harelip I met on public transit" and just below "man whose parents were obviously blood relations".
15. I can smell vodka.
16. I will not help you stalk your ex-wife/ex-husband.
17. If your child has a tendency to a. put his or her little fingers into electrical sockets, b. climb onto tables and jump off, or c. chew on the carpet it is not the responsibilty of the librarian to prevent the little bugger from a. electrocuting him/herself b. breaking her arm or c. getting some kind of terribly gross and possibly fatal disease (I mean really--we're a public library--how often to you think these carpets get cleaned?).
    

More later, but this is a good start. Please copy these rules by hand 50 times, and I'll need an essay by Monday on the one you're most likely to break and how you will avoid doing so in the future.